SoulSutras 79

“Should I Stay Or Should I Go……………”

We all have choices in life.

It’s one of the great things about being human.

But when you’re in a marriage with children involved you usually make choices with everyone’s best interests at heart, rarely are they based solely on yourneeds and yourneeds alone.

But this last year and the challenges it brought with it pushed me to actually stand in my power and affirm what is was that  Ineeded.

It’s not selfish to have your needs met – it is a necessity.

If we deny ourselves what we really desire in life, based on the happiness of others it is a recipe for disaster!

What came out of last years big challenge for me, was the realization I had lived my entire life making other people happy.

Don’t get me wrong I was happy to, but I was putting myself and my needs last, and sometimes, not at all.

When Jules and I sat down at our first Barefoot Investor date night at the Boozy Rouge in Richmond, (More on that later) I wrote on the table cloth how many houses we had lived in while we had been married.

The answer was 19.

I was actually tired.

I was exhausted.

Adelaide, Sydney, Melbourne, Singapore, Sydney, Melbourne. (And they were just the places we lived)

Moving, moving, moving.

Unpacking boxes, culling, re-sorting, canceling, readdressing, new schools, new houses, new cars, 

Oh dear.

Seriously.

It was time to lay down some roots.

The six weeks in solitude gave me the space to really dive deep, deep into my soul and find out what it was that Ireally wanted going forward.

Where I wanted to expend my energy.

What was taking up space unnecessarily in my body?

What needed to stay?

What needed to go?

It was my turn now – well you know it always has been but I am only just realizing the fine balance between giving and receiving.

Do you give too much and feel unworthy of receiving???

Are you aware of what is taking up space, energetically in your body?

What is it that needs to stay and what is it that needs to go?

SoulSutras 78

“Attached to nothing, connected to everything……..”

This year as the clock ticked over to the new year, a personal number eight year for me, I have never felt so relaxed, so at peace and so content.

This year as the clock ticked over I didn’t feel the need to madly make new years resolutions, be thinner, be happier, be fitter, create this, create that, go here, go there.

No.

I think for the first time in my life I was completely happy with myself, happy just to be, knowing all was perfectly in its place and I was exactly where I was meant to be.

Having that knowledge brings with it such a profound sense of peace.

I have spent the last seven years madly doing, doing, doing.

I’ve created apps, websites for kids, written a book, started another, opened three new businesses, created a candle and incense range, created a jewellery range, illustrated a picture book for kids, traveled the world  – it has literally been go, go, go and now it’s time to 

Be

Be

Be

To breathe and just to be.

The work is done – the foundations are set.

The most important thing for me to do right now is just to open my heart and watch life flow through me, bringing life and movement to all the offerings I have created from spirit, from my heart.

There’s no sense of urgency, no feelings of regret, there’s not a million thoughts racing around my head, there is just a profound sense of peace.

And a feeling that all is well – I have learnt to let go and put my faith and trust in that much higher power – that part of me that is unpenetrable, unmovable, unflustered – calm, knowing and wise.

Attached to nothing, connected to everything.

(Anon – These are not my words but someone else’s)

But of course peace rarely comes from a smooth ride – we learn to become peaceful on this journey when we go through the tough times, when we overcome difficulties, illness, death, separation, change, movement, unexpected surprises and as with everyone, we certainly have had our fair share.

SoulSutras 77

“I Can Breathe…………Now”

A warm welcome back to TempleSoul and a Happy New Year to you all.

I have taken some time off to be by myself over the last couple of months.

I moved…..again, which is not unusual for this gypsy soul but this move is going to be for the next four years at the very least!

(I say that now with firm conviction, but realize that’s not how it always works)

I have been with my current partner for the last thirty years and at 47 that is most of my life. Time alone hasn’t served much of a place in my life and towards the end of last year I decided I needed some time out – just for me, to clear my head, create some space and reflect on where I’d been and where I was at.

Four children, a partner, a brown dog and constantly moving hasn’t left much time just for me.

It was time to reassess.

The last seven years have been extremely challenging and last year was no exception, possibly the most challenging but as I always say, if you are aware and in tune to the workings of the universe you will know that every situation whether you deem it to be a challenge or not is for your learning and growth.

I will be discussing these challenges as they will be ones you yourself have no doubt faced at some stage of your lives, but that’s for later.

What’s important now is now.

I drove down to Melbourne on November 16thlast year, armed with all I would need for the coming weeks. (Until the family arrived later that year).

I would have six weeks off.

Just me.

All. 

By. 

Myself.

It was truly a life changing experience.

Transformative.

Reflective.

Solitary.

It was just me, for six glorious weeks.

I knew this alone time was critical for me. It would be make or break if I didn’t affirm my power and have my needs met and get the space I needed.

The move back from Singapore was tough but closing down TempleSoul one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

But what came out of that was one of the greatest learning’s of my life.

“We are people borne of sound

The songs are in our eyes

Gonna wear them like a crown”

Bono, U2

SoulSutras 76

“Let’s Talk About Sex Baby…………….”

And for my final post for this year why don’t we finish on a high note.

A beautiful orgasmic ride back to our suppressed sexual energy.

In the very early hours of the 22nd of September, as dawn was breaking,  I could hear Jules channeling – this is a very regular occurrence now and usually happens after I have done a massive meditation, asked for guidance or have done some healing work.

Aah, we are blessed to be experiencing this human life and we are blessed to be on a journey through it with the guides and angels beside us.

This is an exert from the 4 pages of guidance we received.

“So, I received some guidance on a practice to share with you and think we should go with spirit and honour the guidance. I also received information for you regarding the transmutation of sexual energy.”

As I said earlier it is important to integrate this energy.

“We were both right last night. You are right that fully accessing your sexual energy unlocks limitless abundance in terms of creativity, strength, success, the manifestation of dreams and desires, achievements of goals etc – but to achieve this you must completely and totally surrender to the physical as a critical sense. To burn away the dominant, patriarchal suppression of your deepest sensual, sexual, physical, erotic desires, you must fully embrace and experience them first.

This may only take a short time, but it must be a mindful, present and physical process shared in divine union with an open heart without fear, hesitation or shame. In a safe, loving and nurturing environment.

I am here to support you and guide your heart, your body and your gorgeous soul through this part of the amazing journey you are on.

Let’s step into it together”

Lucky me.

Lucky I didn’t divorce him!

It’s been a big year, a big forty seven but hopefully through reading my blog and following my journey you will see that everything that happens to you, happens for a reason; that every person you meet is a teacher and guide and please remember life is to be enjoyed, not endured.

Stay playful and stay tuned.

TempleSoul is about to get a whole lot sexier.

Merry Christmas.

SoulSutras 75

“It is safe for me to be a strong, sexy and powerful woman”

Martin had also said that my upper chakras were open and all good but from the solar plexus down were somewhat blocked.

This makes sense.

The Root chakra represents safety.

The Sacral chakra represents sexuality.

The Solar Plexus represents power.

“It is safe for me to be a strong, sexy and powerful woman”

The following session was amazing and not only did I eventually manage to find my voice but I asserted myself and made a declaration to stand firmly in my divine feminine power and make no apologies.

I finally realised how important this was to not only bring me to wholeness but to connect with my creativity, to birth new projects, to be confident and above all be fearless.

We need this sexual energy ladies and we need to connect with it quickly.

It is part of us.

It is our strength.

Our voice.

Our truth.

And boy is it strong and when you are standing as a woman with your divine sexual energy fully integrated you, my sister, will be unstoppable.

SoulSutras 74

“Harnessing the Power Of Your Sexual Energy……….”

Is this why I was rejecting Jules all of a sudden?

Was the fear so strong, so old, so intense that I would rather run away than face it?

Thankfully in all our years of marriage sex has never been an issue and Jules is the most open, sensual lover and he creates a safe space for me to explore and play in that realm in any way I choose.

He is totally open to anything I want to try and I realise now why we are together and why our union and bond is so strong.

He is here for so many reasons but one is to be there so I can fully let go and surrender to the power of my divine sexual feminine energy that I have actually been suppressing for many years.

He is here to help me integrate what I have been running away from.

He is here to honour and nourish my sensual, sexual powerful feminine essence.

I have been frightened of its power.

I have been frightened of its strength.

I was overwhelmed and terrified, such was my conditioning through growing up, school and societal teachings.

Sexual energy is unlike anything I have ever felt, when it is fully brought into awareness it is boundless, limitless and incredible.

Ladies, this is what we are made of and this is what the patriarchy has been trying to keep hidden over the millennia and I implore you to dig deep and come with me on a voyage of self discovery to reclaim your own sexual energy that I have no doubt has been suppressed in one way or another across your lifetime, just by the mere fact that you are a woman.

 

SoulSutras 73

“Sexual Energy…………..”

“Your challenge is to allow the full expression of your sexuality in all its beauty and power.

Are you really scared of letting go of your wildness?

Scared of being overwhelmed or overwhelming?

It’s all about staying connected and in touch with feeling. For the true expression of sexuality demands that the feelings of the heart are connected to the body.

You need to take a leap of faith and recognise that in staying connected with your body and your heart, everything else will follow.

Start again.

Behave as if you have never made love before and are about to begin on a whole new voyage of discovery.

Your body knows how and when to make love. Trust it. Let go of expectations and preconceptions of how things are supposed to be, and just stay with the present.

All loving is a risk, but in allowing vulnerability, you tap into into incredible power.

Above all, don’t be scared of showing your love”.

The Mirror Cards – Geoff Charley, Lucy Lidell

Nick picked up on this in the following session.

He felt I was hiding that sexuality – holding back a little, not giving myself completely – was this the missing piece of the puzzle??

Was this sexual energy actually the energy I was afraid of?

Was I fearful of fully expressing this, of tapping into this incredibly powerful energy?

SoulSutras 72

“Fear, There and Everywhere………..”

After that first session and before my second, which I had booked the following Monday I went over some of my various readings and healings, even my earliest meditations I had transcribed and they all mentioned the fear.

This is the thing with shadow work.

We’re not always aware of what’s lurking beneath because we have hidden it away in the shadows for so long.

Equally important though was what was this fear stemming from?

When you do energy work and bring in the energy from Source it makes its way through the crown and down through the chakras. Any blockages will be revealed the deeper you get into your work. When the energy can’t get through, the next lesson is brought forth.

It is brought forth so we can remove the stagnant and blocked energy that is likely to be keeping us stuck in old and outdated belief systems which may be preventing us from moving forward.

Shadow work is so important as by suppressing traits we deem less than desirable we are ignoring and suppressing a part of ourselves.

My fear stemmed from when I was a very little girl.

I re-read a reading Clive gave me some weeks earlier that said fear was preventing me from fully moving forward and that it was stuck in my hips.

So that was what was being released while I was with WildFrau – the fear was what was rising up to be healed and the sickness I had after the acupuncture wasn’t in fact a clearing but was actually fear of facing what was coming up – more a kind of repulsion or aversion.

Also my need to run away, to leave my marriage, to be by myself was also a form of running away from myself of not wanting to face it, the fear that I had locked away for so very long.

I did a huge meditation on the Sunday and before I did it I pulled two cards. One from the mirror deck and one from the ……Oracle.

One was Sexuality and the other Dark Night Of The Soul

SoulSutras 71

“Facing The Fear……”

It was cold down at Bondi – a fierce wind was blowing up from the sea and it baffled me how those desperate surfers could be out there in such conditions.

I heard my name from behind and turned around to see a very gentle, smiling man – I immediately felt at peace.

We walked over to the soundproof music rooms.

“Oh God” I thought – “more screaming!”

We had a chat, one that would see me talking incessantly, skirting around the issue, not wanting to go there – open up Pandoras box…..again. Eventually I stopped talking and started listening.

He just said one word.

Fear.

And this was what we would work on today, that and some bashing with a metre length of plastic pipe.

I will be honest – I’ve done a lot of that in the past and I just wanted to do the breath work.

In the last half an hour we gave it a go.

I knew it would be awesome – I love working with the breath.

It was different to anything I had done before.

I lay down on a mat and breathed in through an open mouth and out through an open mouth.

The facilitator, in this case Martin guided me through the process.

It was so fascinating.

It started almost straight away – and there it was – the fear…..deep, dark fear, lurking in a deep, dark place.

The session was amazing and in it Martin was trying to coax out my voice. He was asking me just to make a single sound from this place of fear and no matter how hard I tried absolutely nothing would come out.

I just kept thinking, “Just one sound, that’s all I have to do, make just one sound”.

The session ended and I hadn’t managed to make a single solitary sound, but I had connected with the fear.

This was the next challenge – to clear the fear out of the body and there was no other way to do it but to connect with it, clear it and heal it.

This was going to be hard.

Hard and uncomfortable.

 

 

 

SoulSutras 70

“Lemon Breakdown………”

The next few weeks were very difficult.

I was not myself.

Reclusive and emotional I spent my days on the couch in quiet introspection.

I picked up another book, Am I Going Mad” by Marlyse Carroll which I actually bought for my son but which I found extremely beneficial.

In it the author mentioned Breath Work and that triggered a memory.

Years ago a psychic had said for me to do breath work, not meditation, breath work.

So I picked up my phone and goggled Breath Work Sydney.

I’ll be honest so much had transpired since I started kundalini yoga – things were coming to a head and all I wanted to do was run away.

Run away and be by myself.

It was so bad at one stage I was ready to walk out on my marriage altogether.

To start a new.

I’m a strong girl, capable and independent.

Was it time to experience life differently?

I have been with Jules since I was 16, married since I was 23, that’s 23 years this year – it is all I have known.

This was seriously what was going through my mind.

Luckily, doing the work I do, I was aware.

I picked up the phone and rang Martin Wilks.

He asked me why I wanted to do the session.

I said because I wasn’t sure I wanted to be married anymore and I wanted to find out whether I was coming from a place of truth or reacting to current circumstances.

I would meet him that Friday at Bondi Pavillion.

 

Marlyse Carroll  Am I Going Mad

Martin Wilks  www.martinwilks.org